Life is in no way a simple thing. Though I do often wish that it were and even make attempts toward convincing myself and others of that very premise. I suppose that I should insert my famous preface here in order to wash my hands and words of any desire to be connected to that ever repulsive beast that our culture knows as drama. Oh how I hate that word and all that it carries. I in no way am one who enjoys the calamities of life. I prefer a calm and peaceful existence devoid of the mindless chatter and emotional babble that far too often invades my world.
That being said though, I see what I would call an undeniable dramatic tension that exists in this world. This tension has many faces. I wish I had the mind to recall and list all of those facades in neat and concise form here so that you and I could manipulate and conquer them. Sadly, and yet also very gratefully, I have yet to even be introduced to their majority. A few do however stand out fairly fresh and poignant in my mind tonight and I imagine it to be wise for me to process and vent them as they come in bite-size chunks rather than trying to eat the whole elephant all at once.
As I sit here at my desk approaching the one o'clock hour of the early morning I find myself in a rather depressed and somber mood. Now, I am sure that there are many reasons for this. School has just let out another semester and a number of my friends have graduated and traveled away from this small town that I call home. That is an impacting event. It changes my daily environment considerably as I work at the university where those friends studied – consequently it is amazing to me at how quickly the life that we see bustling across campus can shift to an almost dead halt when those people that we call friends (some that we even call enemies) are no longer there. But the emptiness of the campus is not all together what has slowed me down tonight. Honestly, I doubt very seriously that it has had even a healthy fraction of the credit in clouding me so.
I believe that I am simply at a contemplative point where so much has been bouncing around in my weathered and tired brain that the need for a good purging has found its way to the surface. And since I am the only one awake in my house at the moment leaving no one to stop me from writing whatever I like, I am going to dump those heavy thoughts out right here and now. I have heard that it even helps you to sleep if you periodically sweep out all the clutter that our minds tend to collect – we shall see.
One thing, then, that has been on my mind lately is the tension that I see in religious circles. When I hear myself thinking and writing that I chuckle at just how vague a statement it is. I wish I could read the thoughts of those who hear something like that left unqualified to see where they go with it, but for the sake of clarity I'll hone it down. I am talking about the tension between theology and pastoral care. Now, those are two terms that come to mind for me as they are two areas of study in the divinity school that I attend. What I mean by using them is to point out the dichotomy that seems to have arisen between the systematic, intellectual side of thinking about God and the organic, affective side of experiencing God.
I am not sure of the reason for this split, other than the notion that we humans have such a tiny capacity to handle information of such a grand scale as God and therefore find it necessary to compartmentalize our interactions and reflections. I wish that I could say here some wondrous cure for this divide that could bridge the two realms, but I am unfortunately at a loss for such a remedy. None-the-less, the frustrating reality remains and I figure my brief complaining about it will have to suffice for tonight.
Another thing that has been somewhat of a bother to me recently is the conflict that I see people, namely myself, facing as they(we) try to balance the desire (and even need) of being independent and autonomous (to the degree of not being a drain on the world – I in no way mean to imply that its advantageous or even possible for humans to handle life all on their own) with the reality of our being designed for community and reliance on God and others. I find myself to be so very ignorant when it comes to grasping the secrets to such a task. Honestly I feel like a child at points when I think of just how incapable I have become at allowing others to help me – and certainly of asking for such help. One thing that I am convinced of though is this; in spite of the idea that going at this world alone means that you are somehow stronger than the rest of the world, the reality of life is quite the contrary. It seems that it takes an even stronger person (and more honest) to admit that they need help – that they need other people. That can be both a freeing and at the same time a very scary thought.
I do have more floating around up top that I would like to lay out here tonight, but I think that the urge to curl up in the bed just beat the snot out of the poor little urge to vent. So, as it is in this silly and fallen world, and as morally wrong as it is in a Christian ethic, sometimes might seems to make right (or at least it gets to prance around as such).
